The title says it all.
My twitter says it all.
My lack of insta posts say it all.
Recently I’ve been feeling a bit crappy, a bit without purpose. Don’t get me wrong, I know my purpose is my daughter, she is my life and everything I do is for her, and I want to do everything and MORE for her, but I’m feeling a tad lost in myself.
I have completely restarted this blog, got rid of all my old posts, I want this to become a more personal blog, a place for me to empty my mind, so here is my mind at the moment.
I have no friends (other than online ones), I failed my university degree (as my daughter was ill and I missed deadlines, not for lack of trying), I am just a mum. I’m okay with being just a mum but there are some things I cant help but regret.
I regret saying no so much before LO arrived. Though its taught me to ensure LO makes the most of every opportunity that is presented to her, so she doesn’t end up sitting in her room thinking these same thoughts.
I did photography at A LEVEL, I wanted to carry it on further but I stupidly listened to everyone around me telling me that was a dumb idea.
I love being creative, I love writing ( I wish I’d kept copies of all the stories I’ve written throughout my life), I love painting abstract (because my real life drawing skills are bollocks), I love taking photographs, and making videos, and reading. All things I don’t do anymore, bar taking photos of my gorgeous daughter.
I have wanted to make videos for so long (which I’m plucking up the courage to do as we speak) but I have been far too scared, I often have dreams about where my youtube channel would be if I’d started it when I initially wanted to (6/7 years ago)
I wish I’d travelled more, I love experiencing new cultures (I’ve only been on three holidays – Paris when I was 9, Turkey at 18 and Tenerife at 20 but that was a work/horrible experience rather than a holiday) I am going to Portugal in August but I really want my daughter to go to different places in the world…
I hate my clothes, since having my daughter I put on a lot of weight and have been focusing on hiding my body, not bothering to make an effort, who is going to see me anyway? I love fashion, its another creative outlet of mine and I really want to ignite my passion for it.
I miss having a partner, I have never really had a real relationship (but you had a kid you slut!) and its something I have longed for. I need to get my head around the fact I may never get my happily ever after (I have had literally no male contact other than my grandpa for over two years) I would have no clue what to even do, or how to go about it.
So yeah, here is a shit post about me feeling shitty
but I feel a little better for letting it out, I am also not reading this post back so sorry for any mistakes!
My next post will be much happier, I’m thinking of doing a once a week thing of my favourites (like specific videos and posts and anything else that stands out.)
Hope you are all doing well.